For quiet_storm. Continuing from TFLN

[potato_powerhouse]

[Well. She had told him. She's made a proper nest on his bed, using her blankets, his blankets, and every pillow she could find. It's better to make a nest, just with both the size difference, and the limited materials for a proper pillow fort.

So, when he finally arrives, she's there, sitting in his bed and wearing one of his shirts and her hair down into two simple plaits. And the moment he closes the door, she stops hugging her pillow and lifts up her arms, beckoning him to come get his hugs.

And she won't let him leave until he talked...or they fall asleep. Which ever came first.]

Comments

[potato_powerhouse]

[She hums softly, and he can probably feel her big ear twitching slightly. Listening. Thinking.]

Is...this what brought on this current mood? Thoughts on your "type"?

[It's hard for things not to be complicated. Some kind of magitek was used on him, and most people she's met who have dealt with it... well complicated is a very gentle way to describe them.]

[quiet_storm]

No, it's... not that simple.

[Now he's going to be totally mopey.]

I had a friend, once. He was my best friend. We'd been through a lot together, saved each other's lives. But I don't really remember him.

[Somebody must have told her about Zack by now.]

[potato_powerhouse]

[She's going to let him, just for now. She told him to cuddle, cry, and let go. So she's willing to sit and listen.]

Zack. Right? The...one you tried to be because the experiments messed you up, right?

[She may have gotten bits and pieces, and some sugar coated, or it was given as a side note to all the other crazy things that happened.]

[quiet_storm]

Yeah. Him.

[Cloud didn't know whether to be pouty about the fact that other people had told her, or be relieved that he didn't have to go through that whole explanation. Still, that would have been the easiest part of the story.]

The experiments. They used something called Jenova. It's a kind of virus?

[potato_powerhouse]

They made you sick on purpose? I don't know but the most basic alchemy and science so...I think that's what a virus is?

[If he does pout, he's getting poked and kissed on his chin. She can't help it. He needs to focus his moping right now.]

So...you got an illness? That made you forget him?

[quiet_storm]

[Good thing he didn't pout, then! That would have derailed the whole conversation.]

Not exactly? It's an illness that affects your brain. It sort of has its own goals and abilities. It can control the people it infects without them knowing it, makes them do things and they don't know why they're doing them.

[Cloud shakes his head, slightly.]

But that's not the part I'm worried about.

[potato_powerhouse]

A parasite.

[She nods, nuzzling against his neck a moment before she rests again, this time moving her hands to his shoulder, squeezing him encouragingly.]

It's something...to do with Zack, because of him?

[quiet_storm]

[Cloud wasn't really much of a cuddler, but his roommate could make anybody appreciate the experience. He ran a fingertip over one of her braids.]

Jenova can read other people's minds. Memories and emotions. Then she can make her host think they remember it too, even if they weren't there.

[The virus has a gender, suddenly.]

But other people's memories aren't always perfect. If Jenova reads two different people's memories of the same thing, the host gets both versions jumbled up together. There are clues in there if you look. Clues that something isn't right.

[Cloud shook his head again.]

All I have are little pieces of other people's memories about him, and some of his memories. The ones Jenova read before he died and put in my head. I don't really remember Zack from before the experiments because I wasn't actually there. I'm not "Cloud Strife."

[potato_powerhouse]

[There's a moment of silence. Shoshosu's breathing stops as she takes that in little whammy. Hear. Think. Feel. She breathes again, nuzzles him again and squeezes just a little tighter.]

You...think you weren't there at all, instead of you just weren't Zack? That you weren't Cloud? That's why you can't remember?

[She raises a small hand up to touch his cheek.]

Because Jenova placed everybody else's memories in you? Is Shoshosu getting it so far?

[quiet_storm]

That's pretty much it, yeah.

[Cloud shrugs, apologetically.]

And there's not a lot of them, either. The only things I remember from being a kid are the times Tifa was with me, and there aren't many. I remember being in the army, but only a few things about it and only when Zack was there with me.

[potato_powerhouse]

I see.

[She pulls away, so it's easier to study his face...and gently stroke his cheek.]


And so you wonder... What happened to Tifa's Cloud? What happened to the Man Who Knew Zack?

"Who am I, if I'm not Cloud? Am I really anybody?" You ask. And you retreat into yourself, and stay away from those you love because you don't want them worried?

[quiet_storm]

"I know what happened to that Cloud. He was killed when he was sixteen. The scientists used his body to grow Jenova virus and S-cells, in a tank. That's how I started to exist."

[Cloud isn't really that mopey right now. More hollow, matter-of-fact. He accepts the physical touch with no objection, but isn't returning it.]

There's no Cloud Strife but me, now. It's not like a dead guy cares if someone else is using his name... But everyone thinks I'm still that original Cloud, deep down inside. Tifa even rebuilt my identity to make it work, trying to fit the pieces together and filling in the gaps with her own imagination. ...My Jenova infection was going haywire at the time and dragged her into my head. She told me it was really weird in there, all sorts of fragments just floating around.

[Now he was just rambling. Cloud shrugged again.]

Nobody wants to believe it and so nobody does. I pretend to be what they want me to be, and everyone's happy.

[potato_powerhouse]

...do you want to be somebody else? Or do you want to be Cloud Strife? Don't think about what others want, or if you are pretending or anything else. Who do you want to be? If somebody could see your soul, would you hope it is Cloud, has always been Cloud?

[She tilts her head, humming softly. She might not be able to pull it off. She can't even pull it off with accuracy in all the right conditions at home.]

Or do you want to be a new man entirely?

[quiet_storm]

[If no one else's opinion mattered... odd that Cloud had never thought about that. It required some extra time for him to put together an answer.]

I just want to be me, I guess. The me I am now. Not some human whose life I can't remember anyway. Not some throwaway defective lab specimen, either.

[He tilted his head a little and thought some more.]

It would be nice to find out for sure which one I used to be, though. And whether or not I have a soul. I've been wondering about that, too.

[potato_powerhouse]

That's good. That's a start, anyhow.

[It takes her a moment to think on the next one. How exactly to phrase this.]

I don't if I've told you much about something from my home. It's a power called the Echo. A blessing or a curse given by the Mother Crystal...depending on how you view it. It can do many things, some varying from person to person. The most important thing is the ability of the bearer's soul to resonate with others. To see another's past and know it, even if they cannot change it...and to understand the words another speaks...no matter what language they use.

[She looks away, body a little stiff as she clutches onto his shirt.]

Shoshosu...has the Echo. I am not...connected to Hydaelyn here though...but maybe, through the Lifestream I can try to make it work at will, and see your past.

But trust me when I say that you have a soul. You are not empty. No matter how you were born...Cloud has a soul. Of this I have no doubt myself.

[There. She got it out. She takes a long deep breath and leans back on his shoulder.]

[quiet_storm]

[Cloud rests a hand gently on her back.]

Sounds kind of exhausting.

[He wouldn't have thought so, except that Shoshosu seemed to find it difficult to talk about. Cloud didn't understand how it was supposed to work and that didn't bother him, he was used to being at the mercy of mysterious forces beyond his comprehension. Still, it seemed that Cloud was more familiar with the ones affecting this planet than she was.]

But if the Lifestream can talk to me, it can probably talk to you. Maybe I can introduce you to some people.

[potato_powerhouse]

You...aren't afraid or suspicious of me now?

[She felt sure that...well in the end, she was right about Cloud being kind. Not that she'll tell him that right now.]

On the one hand, it's like Shoshosu was deemed a very good person, capable of trying to help everybody...on the other, helping more people means I am dragged around more than I want.

[She gives a small sigh, nuzzling against Cloud's neck again.]

Now we just need to see if it wants you to know...But Shoshosu really wants to meet your friends.

[quiet_storm]

Huh? Why would I be afraid of you? Or suspicious?

[Cloud was honestly puzzled about that. Considering how many people had been wandering in and out of his head over the years, it really wasn't a big deal. She should be the one suspicious of HIM, for having a virus that reads other people's minds whether Cloud wanted it to or not.

He smiled, a little, at the idea of Shoshosu meeting his Lifestream spirit friends. Cloud had never spoken about them with anyone else, and it was pleasant being able to share something that felt positive to him.]

I think you'd get along. One of them is Zack, but he's not the one in charge down there. That would be Aerith.

[The way Cloud said her name, a name he spoke so seldom that it the sounds were unfamiliar, was soft and reverent and impossibly heavy with emotion.]

[potato_powerhouse]

It's...invasive. More than reading thoughts or feelings in the now. Some people would rather have how they see their past intact, and not have somebody see it how it really was.

[Even if somebody has grown, they also don't want others to see the person they were...

But that doesn't really matter. What matters is now Cloud is smiling again, even if it's ever so small.]

Aerith... she sounds like a goddess they way you say it...

[quiet_storm]

I guess she kind of is, now? She used to be just a normal person with some weird abilities, at least when I met her.

[The smile faltered.]

I was there when she died. She doesn't blame me for it. Nobody does. But I still feel guilty about it sometimes.

["Isn't it time you do the forgiving?" Some of the tension went out of Cloud's shoulders.]

Even though I know I shouldn't. It's just... hard, sometimes.

[potato_powerhouse]

Seems to be a trend around here, doesn't it?

[She's...just going to touch his face again, nuzzling her cheek against his. The side with her purple butterfly tattoo.]

I think that kind of feeling really can't be helped. Even when we finally learn to let it go, it's going to creep up in us. Shoshosu...has a few people she feels that way about. As much as I try, millions of "what ifs" fill my head.

[Hum.]

One day, if you promise to be the happy one, Shoshosu will be the sad one and tell you all about it, yes?

[quiet_storm]

Yeah. I can do that.

[Cloud ran his hand over her back in a reassuring way. He didn't get mopey that often these days anyway and being told he had a soul was a good start.]

It would help if I knew where I really came from. Then I would know what else I don't have to feel guilty about... Don't feel bad if you can't figure out what's going on in my head. Tifa did say that it's kind of a mess in there...

[potato_powerhouse]

Everybody's head is a mess. Even if the ones who are perfect at organized thought.

[She pulls back and taps her head, sticking her tongue out.]

I have taken a lot of hits. I gotta lotta things jumbled because of it. I don't even really remember the things that happened when I got my dragon bite scar.

[Being her roommate, Cloud's probably seen it at least once, if only on accident. A huge bite mark, like her whole torso had been in the damn things mouth.]

So, don't worry about it. We'll all figure things out...though...you have to promise Shoshosu one thing.

[quiet_storm]

[The idea that physical trauma can affect memories still confuses Cloud. Combat is one activity that doesn't trigger memory jumbling for him. Or maybe it's just because he has such a hard head?]

At least it's a really badass scar, though?

[Don't worry about it? Cloud spent way too much of his life worrying about everything, and he knew it. Shoshosu was one of the few people who could say that to him and actually make him worry less instead of more.]

What is it?

[potato_powerhouse]

Yep. And it's a conversation piece!

[It makes her giggle and she reaches up, booping his nose with a grin.]

No matter what...always remember you have a soul...and even if it's hard...explain to people what you want. Or that you aren't sure what you want. Some may cry, some may yell, but if they've come to love the you that exists now as much as Shoshosu does, they will be behind you all the way.

I can't say don't brood. You will have times you have to think...just no letting it consume you, or running away.